my post-college adventure has brought me to a place my college self would have been shocked to land in - without a job and still at home. it just wasn't on my radar, yet less than a year later, here i am. though my situation may sound depressing (and sometimes actually be depressing), i am determined to believe in and discover a meaningful purpose of this experience. in order to do so, i need to find some..

..courage. to believe in my situation.

being the proprietor/slave of a good sized chunk of pride, i always struggle to answer a constant stream of questions of "whatareyoudoing?whatareyourplans?whatareyoulookingfor?whatdoyoudoeveryday?" Five seconds of (what I'd like to imagine to be) a neuro-traffic stall produces either an ambivalent-looking shrug, accompanied with a giggle, or a half-lie. "I'm looking for a job right now." "I'm looking to get into planning, teaching, or art." Job-hunting is really what I do out of idleness, usually in my peaks of panic; perhaps I am avoidant of employment searching because I'm lazy or afraid, perhaps I'm sitting on a false sense of security with my jackpot savings.. OR, perhaps (i hope) this craving sense that my eyes need to wander much, much higher towards my God, has been pitted inside of me and is indicating that.. maybe I have bigger fish, or dieties, to fry.., or worship. I haven't thought of neither truthful responses to those questions or any pride-saving zingers that help me avoid awkwardness.

you know? I am actually beginning to feel sick after medidating on my unemployment. my nauseating dissatisfaction isn't derived from not having the job; hell, if i could shake off this anxiety, i would be the happiest in a while, with all this free time. Oh, for years, i've longed for free time. I could take walks, paint, practice my piano, visit berkeley all the time, take classes, travel, right? Moreover, I saved SO much money from my last job. I should be spinning amongst confetti. Freedom at my fingertips! yet, a certain discouragement is overwhelming. not only does my disappointment in myself sink deep, but the shame i feel from talking to everyone around me is just so heavy. Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong? I hate the feeling that undergrads would not like to be in my position. Especially, I hate these questions friends keep asking me, only because i am so humbled and paralyzed by my circumstance. By the standards of the culture I grew up in, I feel as if I have failed because I didn't choose into the circumstance I'm in. What's more, I have no label to stick on myself, no position to ascribe to, no answer or description of purpose. all, of course, according to my menial worldly mind. Pride is so damn ugly, and i am so confused. You know, I realized that its actually kind of tempting to use "cuz of God," as a reason to why my lethargy has extended for two months. How faithful would it appear if I were a servant so dedicated to the cause of God that I gave up employment to be in more intimate communion with him. A long sabbath and time in the wilderness for Tiffany. In all sincerity, I wish this were the case. Yet, most likely, my discovery of purpose has been inhibited by yours truly. through all these aching feelings, i can't seem to muster enough trust in my god, in his support, in his grace that accomplishes the inimaginable, the miraculous. I feel he's just waiting for me to start asking the right questions. but i have no idea what they are.

truth is.. I don't want a job right now, not a traditional one anyways. I want to be where God wants me to be. Really, I do. Just, attempting to communicate with God leaves me as broken for breath as running my first mile after a sedentary lifestyle.


and that's all the external processing i'm capable of doing today. plaaaah. have a lovely nighttttt :)))))))

sometimes, I imagine God as the blacksheep of a big family of divinity that owns the entire universe - infinity and beyond. Then, as the underdog, he roamed the universe, much like David, and lovingly created our beautiful Milky Way. When he felt something missing from his work, his unsatisfaction led to the inspiration and creation of earth, man, and so on. and He sooooo loved the earth. (while his family, who only created perfectly beautiful planets that spin colored clouds and such, teased the quirky Yahweh for overdo-ing it yet again)

I feel like there must be a reason why God's love is so infinite and deep... why, whether or not he created love, He is so compelled by it.. to have true love be his one desire for us. And, I wonder whether its because of his own experiences of an ostracizing family or something.. I wish I could hear God's pre-earth stories. And, I wish I could know where God derives his creative inspiration.. to make the earth so beautiful every single day in oh so many ways.

Oh! Hm, my friend taught me something once that I can't remember the entirety of, but basically, "yahweh" in essence is the sound humans make as we breathe. breathe in "yah"; breathe out "weh"..  So, its cool to think that we are so intentionally built to be friends with god - to worship and glorify him with simply our existence.. even to just each breath we take.

 

yeup! that's all.

haha, i just realized how weird reading these posts must be for my old high school friends who don't believe in god

I wonder if people can ever witness through their blog. Maybe join some blogrings or such? I joined Revelife, a Christian blogring, because I was intrigued by the enormous "Yes on Prop 8" banners.  But, I'm a little over that blogring now. Honestly, though I love seeing so many genuine people and posts, most discussion topics revolve around some sort of fear. Is it okay to celebrate halloween? to date in church? How should things be and not be? I wish I could be in two blogrings. One where people interested in God and christians meet and become friends, and one full of posts that sound like Psalms. Though I used to hate psalms for its nonsensical poems, I changed my mind to think its one of the most vulnerable and beautiful compilations. :)

Anyways, i've been reading the bible more! usually, to be friends with god, i refer to experiences, interpretations, and, occasionally, prayer. however, and as of late, I've been realizing how meaningless my experiences have been without understanding what God already established as truth. this is the stuff! also, i'm discovering the learning process is a lot more direct. :P

Haha, though due to excessive laziness and frugality, I 'm using Becky's chunky Change Your Life in 365 Days bible to replace my lost one, like Hugh Grant substituting prescription googles for glasses. The bible's organization is interesting, with 365 sections designed for reading exerpts of the old testament, new testament, psalm, and proverbs everyday. Actually, its a bit to absorb - reading about the violence of the old testament right before reading paul's compassionate letters.. then the psalm and an arbitrary proverb. Reading brings a lot of hope and inspiration, though.

Today, I read

"Remind everyone about these things, and command them in God's presence to stop fighting ove rwords. Such arguments are useless, and they can ruin those who hear th em. Work hard so you can prsent yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good work, one who odes not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth. Avoid worthless, foolish talk that only leades to more godless behavior. This kind of talk spreads like cancer . . ."  - 2 Timonthy 2:14

My hope in political discussions is quickly diminishing. (haha, lots of stuff happened since my last post.) I really want my xanga could be an instrument for truth. Filter all the crappy stuff out. I was even debating never writing anything and just typing up scripture. I ... kind of.. want everything I do to glorify god, for lack of better/more original words. You know, when you develop in an intense christian fellowship and end up somewhere random like working in an old abestos-filled cargo facility at the airport, you can't help but wonder, what am i supposed to be doing...

Sigh, I remember Becky Tirabassi's visit was in the middle of such an exciting time because Joyce, Melody, and I were convinced God was doing something spectacular in Carmen's life.. she was asking questions and signed up for Fall Conference.. we were thrilled to the max! We even provided the seeker essentials - a pink bible and IV sweatshirt. haha. I remember being so excited, I instant messaged every single christian on my buddy list for two days to pray for my roommate. On the last day of Becky's visit, Mel and I also bought her a Change Your Life bible, but we decided not overwhelm her by giving it too soon. haha. somehow, things died after she couldn't make it to fall con anymore. sigh, what becomes of times like that?

 

 

 

HAHA, this entry makes no sense because I wrote paragraphs, rearranged them, and developed them some more. but oh well, i need to start working.